Tryin' out something different
Monday, February 15, 2010

When I met B I was still dating this obnoxious dude for a year. I let one of my good friends (F) get to 2nd base after a tequila filled evening at Emily's mom while I was already on very shaky grounds with The Obnoxious One (we'll call him The O.O.). After I gave B my phone number, we hadn't even kissed or anything, I dumped The O.O. It was a tumultuous time. I was only 22. The O.O. still wanted to get with me, F, my friend wanted to start a relationship and then I had B, the frivolous, handsome actor man boy with an irresistible smile. Plus, totally in the party mood at all times. We had a fun, drug and dance filled first year! Clearly, I chose B.

Before The O.O. I dated a nice boy (T) for 3 years. He wasn't the smartest but he was incredibly funny and creative. He couldn't dance for shit, he was one of those tough dudes that stood by the side of the dance floor so we stayed in, ate out and went to movies and such. I dumped him because near the end I had all these troubles with my mom and her second divorce and he was just not there for me. He came from a wonderful family so in retrospect, I couldn't hold it against him, his not knowing how to deal with fucked up families but back then I was very demanding and thought: If he can't deal with shit now, how can he deal with all the more shit I'm sure we'll have in the future? So I dumped him, after The O.O.'s gave Krissy his number to pass on to me.

Before T, I dated a man 15 years my senior, but he was kinda dim and he lived in a room instead of a house plus he had all these debts so he wasn't really that ahead of me in development. We dated for a year but he was just a bit too stupid so when I met T at a hip hop party where we exchanged numbers I broke it off with The Senior the next day.

In other words, I have been seeing someone for the past more than 10 years!

This pattern is killing me! Always overlapping, afraid to break it off with someone unless I had someone else's number, even went astray once. Now B and I have broken up and I don't have anyone else on my mind. It's good to break this streak. If I keep doing what I'm always doing, things will never change. I know it is best this way but there's a very needy part of me who's afraid I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life. I miss B.

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This is me. 32-year old, mother of 1 and living in Europe. Going through life with one hell of a man, lots of love for my family and a pretty tight circle of mismatched friends. Very self-confident even though I don't know what the fuck I'm doing! (more)