I felt shitty...
Sunday, February 28, 2010



...but I'm laughing my ass off, after seeing this pic of good ole Matthew after breaking up with Penelope. Everybody goes through break-ups! I should just take my time, go out with friends, stay in and wallow in my pain for short whiles. I hung out with my uncle and brother tonight which was good. My bro and I talked about B and it felt ok. I miss him but I think I'm just gonna hit the sack and be ok.

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Not so stable (but getting there!)
Monday, February 22, 2010

I'm going out for the first time as a single girl this Thursday. I've been to the pub a few times and it was ok fun, but now I'm going out with girls with whom I always stay out 'till the lights are turned on. We'll go out to dinner first and then hit some dancefloors. Too bad the floors in our city are not that exciting but it will be a weird first for me so it'll be exciting enough. I'm looking forward to it but also not 'cause I always call B when I'm tipsy, ask where he's at and tell him I love him. Don't wanna be doing that so maybe I'll give my phone to one of my friends!

I was at Sandy's place yesterday and she told me she thought it'd be better to call it quits and that she also thinks he has cheated on me in the past. She won't say if she heard it from Conrad but I have a feeling she has. She also told me B cheated on his ex-girlfriend lots of times, Conrad always had to cover for him. B never told me that. So, it's good to be talking to friends who know him too. I don't know what I will do to get through the first few weeks but I'm doing alright. I'm not jumping into the arms of other men, just hang out here and there, planning my first outings and also planning some vacays. The first ones in what feels like ages without B.

I'll be going to Madrid in April with a girlfriend (her parents have an apartment there) and the South of France in May with Krissy and a friend of hers whose parents have a house (with pool!) there. And also South America and the Carribean by the end of the summer where my Dad and an old high school friend lives, maybe around my B-day. The great part of it is that I'm gonna be couchsurfing/staying in the spare room so I'll have more money to play with:-)
Plus, in August Krissy, Emily and I will be going to Lowlands a three day Dutch music festival. And also a one day rave festival in summer, B and I go together every year to one of those so I'll be with my friends for the first time this year. Yeaah!

So while I'm still a bit of a homebody right now and licking my wounds of the break up of 2010, I have a fun filled summer planned. I feel like Bambi on ice, you know, not standing firm on solid ground AT ALL emotionally but I'm getting there and my future's looking bright.

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Am I Macauley?
Saturday, February 20, 2010

I got a text from B's best friend Conrad to meet up this week. Maybe he talked to B and heard how fucked up we are. Last night and this afternoon B and I called and emailed. It was intense: bawling, pointin' fingers but also room for jokes. We have such a great friendship underneath or weaved through our fucked up shit. I really couldn't sleep tonight and had a headache all morning but I had to go to a family thing. It was ok, but I'm not really myself.

My brother and I talked in the car. I asked him how long this fucked up feeling'll last. He said this heartbroken phase could last six months and that it depends on how fast I have another dude to distract me from B. But I always do that. Fill a void with another human. And I can't do it this time. I'm too heart broken and now I'm sitting here on Saturday evening, BLOGGING! When I was with B I partied my ass off and now I'm home alone.

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Tryin' out something different
Monday, February 15, 2010

When I met B I was still dating this obnoxious dude for a year. I let one of my good friends (F) get to 2nd base after a tequila filled evening at Emily's mom while I was already on very shaky grounds with The Obnoxious One (we'll call him The O.O.). After I gave B my phone number, we hadn't even kissed or anything, I dumped The O.O. It was a tumultuous time. I was only 22. The O.O. still wanted to get with me, F, my friend wanted to start a relationship and then I had B, the frivolous, handsome actor man boy with an irresistible smile. Plus, totally in the party mood at all times. We had a fun, drug and dance filled first year! Clearly, I chose B.

Before The O.O. I dated a nice boy (T) for 3 years. He wasn't the smartest but he was incredibly funny and creative. He couldn't dance for shit, he was one of those tough dudes that stood by the side of the dance floor so we stayed in, ate out and went to movies and such. I dumped him because near the end I had all these troubles with my mom and her second divorce and he was just not there for me. He came from a wonderful family so in retrospect, I couldn't hold it against him, his not knowing how to deal with fucked up families but back then I was very demanding and thought: If he can't deal with shit now, how can he deal with all the more shit I'm sure we'll have in the future? So I dumped him, after The O.O.'s gave Krissy his number to pass on to me.

Before T, I dated a man 15 years my senior, but he was kinda dim and he lived in a room instead of a house plus he had all these debts so he wasn't really that ahead of me in development. We dated for a year but he was just a bit too stupid so when I met T at a hip hop party where we exchanged numbers I broke it off with The Senior the next day.

In other words, I have been seeing someone for the past more than 10 years!

This pattern is killing me! Always overlapping, afraid to break it off with someone unless I had someone else's number, even went astray once. Now B and I have broken up and I don't have anyone else on my mind. It's good to break this streak. If I keep doing what I'm always doing, things will never change. I know it is best this way but there's a very needy part of me who's afraid I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life. I miss B.

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Omar Rodriquez is a good filmmaker
Sunday, February 7, 2010

We saw this movie at the film festival yesterday and it was awesome! Colorful, disturbing yet subtle. A really good combo, in my opinion. When it ended, I was disappointed 'cause I thought it was just getting started. I say go see!!!

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My heart's fucked up
Tuesday, February 2, 2010

B and I have broken up for the 100th time but it feels different now. All the other times I thought, we're just mad (mostly me), it'll blow over in a week or so. We'll talk about things and we'll kiss and make up. But now it's different. Maybe it's because I was always mad at him for some stunt he pulled and now I was the one doing the pullin'. And we're not mad anymore, we talk and email and text but it's just not the same and I feel a hole burning in my stomach that I've never felt before. I can't remember feeling so alone!

My apartment's a mess but I cannot get myself to clean the goddamn place up. I wonder how long this will take? I wonder if us keeping in touch makes it all the more difficult to get over us?
I have my friends, I can always call them and stuff but every time we talk it's not satisfying. Because it's not him.

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This is me. 32-year old, mother of 1 and living in Europe. Going through life with one hell of a man, lots of love for my family and a pretty tight circle of mismatched friends. Very self-confident even though I don't know what the fuck I'm doing! (more)