This is so sad
Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The mother of a friend of mine, Jack, has lungcancer. We don't see eachother often (we live an hour away from eachother) but we go out for dinner/drinks once in a while. I love him, he's so sweet and you get the best, open and honest conversations with him. I just called him for the first time and I can hear the hurt and pain in his voice. The doctor says there's not much they can do about the cancer but they're going to get a second opinion in France. It makes me wanna stop smoking and take more time to appreciate what I have.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

More happiness! I got my first (small but still) real writing job! The designer who I'm gonna help out at the exhibition next week has asked me to be help her some more by being her press chick. So I've just written my first caption. I know this is definitely gonna interfere with my thesis, if I don't watch out. But today I finished my thesis work first and rewarded myself with writing for my designer friend. So far so good;-)) Tomorrow I'm gonna buy my mom a present (she'll turn 46 this thursday), get some much needed groceries (I've been wipin' my ass with kleenex for the past week) and swing by the library to get some books. Come to think of it, I have enough material about AA here. I must stop getting more and more books and leaflets and stuff and just go write the damn thing already. Djeez, I'm bugging myself!


1000 hits!!
Monday, May 28, 2007

Today I can celebrate the fact that had my thousandst (is this a word?) visitor!! I'm not gonna celebrate with a drink because I have been doing that too much lately. But I'll find another way, do not worry about that;-) Yay!!!


An old love

I had a birthday party yesterday and I went with my best pal Otto. We had lots of fun drinking beers& sangria and eating fried food. I saw an old friend of mine, Frank with whom I had a nice friendship which we spoiled by fooling around. We didn't have sex and didn't kiss butafter more than 10 tequila's at a dinner party hosted by Emily's mom we definitely copped a feel. Which on itself isn't that bad but I had a boyfriend at the time (it's been four years time flies!) and I couldn't handle the fact that I had been so sinful. Every time I saw him I was reminded of how I lost my innocence. (yep, I can be that melodramatic;-) So we both stoppped calling eachother and it was for the best. One of the last conversations we had was when he told me I could have had him. And I did felt love for him but not in the relationship kind of way. So now he has this really cute kid, who's one and a half years old and he looks like such a terrific dad. Life has a way of working things out, I guess.

My best friend in high school, Steve was also there with his girlfriend. We were the best of friends and when things were not going well for me (I was 16) I lived with his family for a year or so. They played a key role in my recovery-plan and I love them so much! I had dinner with his mom on tuesday, she's my surrogatemom. She calls me her fake daughter;-)) Anyways, Steve's girlfriend is this super creative force and she has asked me to help her out at a design exhibition. She makes these really cool bags out of the inner tube of bicycle tires. She herself is going to demonstrate at a G8 convention. That's so funny! So I'm gonna take place in her stand amongst all the other design stuff and just have a good time. It is gonna be a busy week though, since I have to work 6 days in a row. I'm looking forward to it already!

I'm gonna have to work at my thesis right now. Blegh. It was funny 'cause at the party there were other friends of mine who were also struggling with their thesis. All with the same kinds of frustrations. You will never walk alone;-))

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A few weekends ago I went to a big family barbeque with all B's aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, the whole fuckin' lot. B's Dad emailed us some pics from that evening: I look like someone on heroine lookin' freakishly catatonic. It looks like I'm literally bored to death. I really thought I was doing ok for myself that evening. Guess again, dear! And you know what B said before we went to that bbq: "Well, after this we will be free for a whole year". What kind of an idiot am I to actually feel relieved when he said that. His niece is turning 16 half June and I'm already thinking of excuses. I know it's egocentric and egoistic but I hate these family gatherings and I really do not wanna go. Especially since the last one's so fresh in my memory.

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It's me, Catlin Green
Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I can be jealous of people sometimes and I hate that about myself. It is so not nice. And you know, at times I can be difficult/bitchy/bossy/irritating and I can handle that. But being jealous is just no way to go for me. It feels so wrong. I found some good advice, given by the man himself; John Frusciante. In an interview he once said that when he's mad at someone he sits down and wishes that someone the best wishes in the world. And when he's done with wishing the anger is gone. Or at least decreased. Well, tonight after I say my prayers I'll do a round of well wishing. Fighting bad with good. It could work, you know.


Bokito, the ass kicking gorilla
Sunday, May 20, 2007

An accident happened at a zoo nearby. Bokito, a 300 pound gorilla, leapt off his island to ran amok at the zoo's the restaurant, injuring a few people along the way. One woman was particularly hurt. He took her by her arm, dragged her with him and bit her. The woman seemed to be a regular at the zoo and she was said to be acquainted to the ape. In any case, nothing bad happened to the gorilla. I was very glad because if there's anyone to blame, it's us. We put him there. B and I we went to the zoo today and we had a nice time. I don't think I'm gonna be going to the zoo anytime soon. I think it's great for kids because they get the chance to meet them so they can be more conscious of the animals that live with us on this planet. And maybe have more respect for them. But for me it's just too sad seeing all those big guys being trapped in such a small place.

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Pound foolish

Because of the "fact" that Jesus flew to heaven 2007 years ago I had a four day long weekend. Yay! I went to dinner with four high school girlfriends and I had great fun. Once every two or three months we go out to dinner and we don't look at prizes when we pick out restaurants. It has always been the four of us, one time another girl joined us but in all our arrogantness we all thought but didn't say it outloud that she was too witless to become a regular. I'm a bit ashamed but not enough;-) It was just that all she ever contributed to the conversation was sex. And I like sex as much as the next person but I do not want to know what size of your bedmate's penis is and I certainly don't want to discuss my man's penis. Get tha fuck outta here! Anyways, one of the girls is going to live in Curacao at the end of the year with her boyfriend. It's a shame because she always lets this guy come first. She was "the other woman" for two years, he doesn't want to meet any of her friends and she's basically at his beck and call. But she loves him so we don't say a thing. She's going to visit his parents for a month in August and she already said "a month is so long...". I saw the doubt in her eyes and I hate it.

After dinner we went karaoke-ing in some dodgy Thai karaoke place where I'm sure blow was being dealt. We ignored it all together (too much wine!) and we sung 'Under the bridge'. It was so fucking funny my stomach hurt! I'd never done that before and I'm sure we'll get back to that place every once in a while. I really laughed my butt off when my girl Karolyn (who's still going to a lot of heartache with her two timing but still loving ex) sung 'Foolish' by Ashanti so convincingly it hurt! Gotta love my girls, man.


Over the borderline
Thursday, May 17, 2007

Got an unexpected IM yesterday telling me Chloe, a girlfriend of mine who lives in Spain, is in the country and that I should come over for drinks. She moved to Spain about four years ago shortly after being diagnosed with borderline. It's really weird because I really like her, but I hate the fact that she can be really sweet but also really bitchy& mean. More than anyone I hang out with. I do know that people with borderline can be extreme so I totally understand but it's certainly not a quality I look for in a friend. Everytime she's in the country I go see her and just try to be a good friend. That's why yesterday I turned off my TV, rolled into some jeans and went to the bar they were hanging out. We did a little bit of barhopping after that and it was nice but I always have mixed feelings with this girl although I try not to let it show. I do love her but it's just tiring sometimes to not be able to tell someone she's a jerk because she has this disease. With all my other friends I wouldn't be so damn mild.

(My God I really do love this blog. Just being able to vent and not censure myself is just wonderful! And to think that all this bliss is for free. My blog don't cost a thing - Djeez, how I hate JLo's songs;-))


Men don't need or want help?
Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I'm the biggest fan of the Chili Peppers, so from time to time to avoid having to work on schoolstuff or ironing the humongous pile of clothes stashed in my third small bedroom I surf the net looking for new interviews and shit. I came across this old list on Blender with facts about the Peppers that were mostly extracts from A. Kiedis' book 'Scar Tissue'. What stood out to me was nr. 31:

Since 2000, the Peppers have quietly donated a quarter of their tour
profits to charity. “We try to focus on the kids, the environment, women, old folks — anyone who needs a little leg up,” says Kiedis.

On his list of receivers of money-well-spent are children, the world, females and the elderly folks. So basically that covers everything& everybody. Except for... men! This is not criticism, but just a big questionmark. Why aren't men ever (well, maybe they are but I don't hear much about that) on the receiving end of charity?



I'm such an idiot. I (don't really) need (but want) T-shirts, a pair of jeans, a new summer coat and a pair of nice strappy white shoes to go under all those summery skirts I have. And what do I do? I order yet another bikini! And I already have the bathing suit version of it, so it makes no sense whatsoever...

If there's something (anything!) wrong with it I'll send it back faster than the speed of an formula one automobile. That's a promise.

I did went aqua-jogging & swimming for the first time yesterday, which was nice. I've had ballet classes for a long time when I was younger but I stopped when puberty hit me. Then I took classes again two years ago but I stopped again because I kept missing classes due to my busy school&work schedule at the time and then still had to pay for them. And ballet's pretty damn expensive. So now I'm working out in my living room everyday, lifting weights and stuff and I wanna go swimming once a week. It's really weird because an hour of ballet was a lot heavier on me than an hour of swimming. I'd thought swimming would be a lot better, tougher form of exercise than ballet but it isn't. The body works in mysterious ways;-)

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Don't go smacking your bitch up on my block!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I just got back from school, 'cause I had to check in with obi-wan aka the dr. who's helping me with my thesis. He's very cool, nice and smart and for some reason I find that a bit sexy. Even though he is like, 55 and has a glass eye. I'm such a perv, but I can't help myself;-)
Well, it turns out I'm not that perverted when my very sweet but feisty neighbour told me she has a quarrel with her neighbour who runs a BROTHEL from her own home where she also deals cocaine on the side. What the fuck?! I always suspected something, because there are big ass cars every night and in the morning they're gone. There's always a different car and they are very conspicuous. It may seem hypocrite (once again) but I don't like having dealers on my block. I live in a pleasant little street with lots of grass and trees, kids run around and people greet their neighbours. Maybe that's normal where you're at, but in this country there are lots of streets where people don't say hi. This brothel-story gives me the creeps, for real.

I'm gonna write a complaint letter to the housing-people. Get that ho outta here!

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weekend murmurs
Sunday, May 13, 2007

I have a new job since thursday. It's about as shitty as the last one but I have to work you know. And not only because of the dough. I had a lot of free time these last few weeks when I was done with all my exams and my sole purpose was to write my thesis. Well, those were the least productive weeks I've ever had! It's works far better for me to work a job three days a week and work hard on my thesis the other days of the week. Otherwise my lazy ass'll just sit around for seven. Not a good thing!

This weekend was family-filled, but not always full of fun for me. A barbeque with all the inlaws including aunts, uncles and nephews is just not my favourite way to spend my saturday night. But as B said: "After this we will be free for a whole year!". For some reason we also went to have dinner with his parents on friday so I had a bit of an inlaw overdose. I'm so glad I have the nicest MIL, what would I do without her? My FIL is very sweet too, I just have to ignore the extremely loud burping and swearing . I swear too, but in my book parents need not curse. I know I'm a fuckin' hypocrite. I'm sorry. (Actually, no I'm not.) I hate it even more when he takes his bad mood out on MIL and she gets real quiet and puts up a front like it doesn't bother her.
Luckily I had spend saturday at my moms and my grandma was there too. We went shopping, just the three of us and that was great! We don't get to do that often.
I guess building a life together with B means finding balance in both our family lives.

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Not the mama
Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I've been checking out this site for the past few weeks, after a blogger named Toryssa mentioned it in one of her blogs. I always click the links on other sites I like, I figure if that someone made the effort of linking it's probably worth checking out.
Maybe it's because I want to have kids some day, or maybe it's because I'm always interested in taking a peek inside someone elses brain/heart but I check the True Mom Confessions-site on a daily basis. And boy, it depresses the shit outta me sometimes! There are far more negative confessions than positive ones, I think. But I don't know for sure, I don't count them or anything;-)

Well, since I'm not a mom myself and I confess more than enough about my own mom in this place I couldn't really think of a confession myself. But I just had to place one! This was the best I could think of.


I know I'm not the only one!
Sunday, May 6, 2007

  1. When I have to cook and my hair is washed the same morning I cook with my bathing-cap on. I hate smelly hair. I hate anything smelly.

  2. I try to avoid touching money at all times. I hold my wallet open whenever possible so the cashier can put the change in herself. Or I let B handle all the money. Money literally grosses me out! I even know where I got it from: when I was little my Dad used to make me give and take all the money when we went grocery shopping. I didn't fall from the tree, I am still hanging in the tree!

  3. I wash my clothes much too often, which is probably why I have to pay 220,- euros this year, on top of my normal gas/electricity bill. I got that bill last friday :-( I wonder if my laundry habits'll change once I have the three children I want so much.

  4. Whenever I'm smoking a reefer with friends, I always burn the tip before taking a hit. I'm afraid to get a cold sore or something. I've never had a cold sore and I'm not shopping around for one either. All my smokin' pals know this and they hand me the lighter when they pass me the ganja.

  5. Sometimes I wonder what'll happen if I wasn't such a maniac. Would I be less or more often ill? I'd probably be the same only more relaxed... But I can't break these habits!


My big carnivorous teeth
Saturday, May 5, 2007

I've been eating off the barbeque for two days in a row. My body's craving for vegetables right now! B's best friend Arvink's parents are away for a month so we took the liberty of using their backyard as our kitchen. There were lots of guys joking around and I'm getting to know Conrad's new girl a bit more. It's less weird to have her around and I don't compare her to Sandy anymore. I'm glad to see I can actually be mature about something! Anything!

B and I have a little bit of an issue, once again. He has been a bit out of it lately and one step in the right direction is to stop smoking pot, at least for a while until he's figured out a thing or two. Well, it was his plan to make thursday the last hay-smokin' day. It was the first barbeque this year and all his friends would be there so it was a good occassion to quit it. He even told a few of his friends that this would be the last day for him. Well, it turned out we had more food than we could eat so we decided to throw another barbeque on friday. And what did he do? He smoked a reefer!!! I didn't pick a fight but I definitely made sure he knew how lame I thought he was. I have to keep in mind with this stuff that it's his life and his decisions. Not mine. But I just love him so much and I want him to be well.

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I try not to sweat the small stuff but...
Thursday, May 3, 2007

When I know someone I love is lying to me it's sometimes difficult to confront her because it's even more upsetting to see that that someone is going to deny it in any way she can. And does she really think I'm that naive?!


I'm lovin' it!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007

I finally got to see the Turtles! When it ended I was genuinely bummed that it didn't go on for another hour. The fighting scenes are ass kickin' good, the graphics are unbelievable and the Turtles have certainly not lost any of their coolness over the years.
My only other point of criticism is that there wasn't a lot of humor in it, if I recall correctly there was much more humor in the series. And the theme song was gone, that was a shame. I love that song!
My friend Martin fell asleep during the movie so the opinions are scattered;-) I say go see!


This is getting old
Tuesday, May 1, 2007

I like lots of things. I like: swimming, riding my bike, eating french fries, watching movies, buying clothes, getting good grades, going out, cuddling, going to bed early, sleeping 'till noon, reading good books, having nice conversations with my friends, drinking beers, getting out of the shower all fresh& clean, going to the hairdresser's, getting a facial (NO you perv, not the x-rated ones), eating sushi, having someone else cook me dinner, getting a call from my dad, unexpected sleepovers at a friend's house, taking a dog for a walk, playing games at the arcade, hanging at the beach, and lots of other good stuff life has to offer.

But I most definitely hate talking about all the serious shit my boyfriend's going through right now until 3 in the morning, only for him to act like nothing's the matter the next day. And to know this night's gonna repeat itself two weeks from now. It has been for the past I-don't-know-how-many months. I feel like a nagging old cow when I keep urging him to do something about it.

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Party on Wayne!

I had such a great weekend! We had a national holiday yesterday and the night before so it was definitely funfilled! My girl Marianne's boyfriend has a really nice boat so we drove down to our capital and navigated through the city the whole day through. The city was full of people on boats getting shitfaced drunk and partying their asses off. So we drank beers, cracked jokes and had a very good time. B didn't want to go at first 'cause he didn't really like M. and her bf but I convinced him that he doesn't even know them and should give them a chance. In the end he did come along and the four of us had a great time. They are a bit out of the ordinary, he is almost 40 and has lots and lots of money and she is this really preppy, young, bouncy, blonde (but also very smart) girl. Other people, including friends of ours, tend to judge them. No one of our friends really likes her bf, they think he's arrogant and irritating. I don't know but I like him, we diss eachother all the time. Plus, he's a redhead you know? They're special;-))

I have to work on my thesis but it's such nice weather and I'm doing a bunch of things right now, none of which are school related. I suck.

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This is me. 32-year old, mother of 1 and living in Europe. Going through life with one hell of a man, lots of love for my family and a pretty tight circle of mismatched friends. Very self-confident even though I don't know what the fuck I'm doing! (more)