Do I really need a reason to post this?
Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Didn't think so.


Money, money, it's so funny
Monday, March 26, 2007

When I got this new job I decided to write down what I spend and make. Before I had tons of odd, on and off jobs so it was too much hassle. Since I was getting more regular hours and income I thought it would be smart to see where it all goes. Well, the good thing is I don't spend it all on drugs or other stupid things. I spend it on nurturing myself. And by that I mean food.. lots of it. In the past four weeks I've spend the best part of my income on eating out, taking out and grocery shopping. I always go "Hey, I've worked for it, haven't I?" and off I go, having the ump-teenth dinner with my friends! It doesn't really help that my job does not exactly floats my boat. It's good for now and it pays well, but I'm really looking forward to graduating and getting a real, challenging, rewarding, grown up job. And this job, my friends, is none of the above.

In the meantime I will indulge a bit but I will also make an effort to get out of the red figures and save money for our trip at the end of this year. Besides Vietnam we will be visiting B's best friend Arvink who's going to get an sound engineering degree (or whatever the hell you call it;-) in Thailand. He'll be going to school for two years there which is great of course, but I think B will miss him a great deal. Arvink's house is like the home base for him and the other guys where they Play-station, make music and crack jokes. I guess times are a-changing and we'll all be doing our own thing more and more.

I have to stop bullshitting and get a move on. I have to write another paper (about accountability for fuck's sake!!!) that's due this wednesday. Ugh.

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Peruvian girl stealing slippers
Sunday, March 25, 2007

My good friend, Emily, is going to Peru for seven weeks. By herself. Wow! She has been there two years ago to study Spanish and do some volunteerwork (for which she had to pay, very weird but also understandable). Another friend of ours turned 30 (??) so we mixed it up friday and had a dinner party for the both of them. It was great fun! We went to the restaurant where I used to work and had a fantastic sushi (you're right Misty, I've turned into sushi;-)) dinner. I can't help it, I love the taste of raw fish. However, I hate the taste of raw meat, especially bloody meat eeew!! Anyway, we were sitting on the floor on tatami mats and if you wanna go to the toilet there were these wooden slippers you could wear:

After drinking and eating quite a bit we decided to go dancing at a small club in town. While standing at the bar Emily opened her bag for me to look inside and there they were: the slippers!!! Crazy bitch! I told her she had to bring them back 'cause stealing is so not cool! Besides, they're my old bosses and they're very sweet and still give me a discount even though I don't even work there anymore. I slept over at her house and the next morning we watched 10 episodes of Sex&the City. Yesterday she did the walk of shame and brought them back together with a nice tip.

Saturday I went to my great-aunt's 70th birthday from my Dad's side with my mom. I didn't understand why my mom wanted to go there. I suspected she wanted to see my Dad but I knew he doesn't want to see her again so I phoned him to say I was going with my mom. He told me he wasn't even invited. Gosh my family is so big and there's always something weird going on, I don't even know why I bother sometimes.
I saw a movie called "Five fingers" with Ryan Philippe and Laurence Fishburne. It sucked! A definite must-not-see;-)

Today B and I painted his kitchen and did lunch together. I love him so much and things are looking up for us at the moment... gotta enjoy it while it lasts!:-))

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We don't connect but he sure does provide!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My brother has a small malafide movie-business-thingy going on. So, he hooked me up with the first three seasons of Sex & the City! I'd kept myself pretty busy the past few days, preparing the presentation I had to give this morning. It went very well, despite my professor who dared to say he doubted my knowledge of accountability because of a conversation he had with a fellow-student about me(!?). He gave me humongous props after the presentation and all I could think of was: "you'd better asswipe!"
So, I bought myself a dress & and a sweater today and ordered a pair of must-have fuck-me pumps! And to top it off I'm not going to clean as I'm supposed to but I'm gonna watch disc two of season 2. I looooove indulging after achieving a goal...any goal will do!

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The Dutchess
Monday, March 19, 2007

She gives me a really bad rash& breathing problems, she loves to beg while I'm eating, she acts like the house is on fire ever damn morning, which results in horrendous meowing and she likes to dance on my pillow after I've just heard her taking a dumb in her litter-box and groveling through her own feces for at least ten minutes. She loses hair faster than any old dude I've ever seen...whenever I take laundry out of the drier, I can see her little hairs woven in the sheets acting like they're part of the design. Sometimes I have to resist the sadist urge to give her a shove while she's sleeping on a rim or something. She is my boyfriend's turtle-cat. If B and I want to move in together the cat has to go first. I know I couldn't do it, I'd feel guilty for ages after that. And I've gotten to feel some love for her in a very freakish way. Now, isn't that odd?!


When you're 25 years old, this is nostalgia
Sunday, March 18, 2007

To my suprise and delight there are two movies that are coming to a theatre near us: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Transformers! Those will be THE movies of 2007 for me, without a doubt:-D


I love my mom!

My mom and I have been through hell and back together. A number of times. It has made us so strong, sometimes I can't even believe it. When I was going through puberty I hated her. I really did. She was the one who wanted a divorce, not my Dad, and I thought I was never gonna forgive her for it. It didn't make it any better that she was 34 at the time, a young woman who wanted to go out, have fun and could be a real bitch. I had a very tumultuous life growing up: moving out of both my parents' houses at age 14, experimenting with boys& drugs, did quite a lot of hitchhiking but also reading everything I could get my hands on. I basically wanted to try out everything life had to offer. School was definitely not part of the equation. I wasn't very happy at the time but it was the only way to go, I guess God wanted to teach me a lesson or two. Back then, my mom and me were miles apart; like being on different planets or something.
At one point I was done testing the boundaries (for now!) and decided I should just finish high-school, go get a degree and do something with a bit more perspective. My mom was very glad with my decision and from then on we got to see more and more of eachother. Every saturday we went shopping together and she spent so much money on me it's not even funny. But more importantly, we talked so much during those years and with every conversation I could feel us growing more towards eachother.

My mom got divorced from her second husband 1,5 years ago and it was a real downfall both financially and mentally. Her spirit was breaking right before my eyes. My whole family including my brother didn't want to see her anymore and that devastated her. But right now I can honestly say thay she's doing well. I can see the sparkle in her eyes again and while shopping today (I again, didn't find THE bag, grrr! But I did get a nice pair of jeans) she told me how much I've helped her by standing by her.

I am so lucky to have a mom who supports all my decisions, who understands me like no one else does, who I can tell anything to (except for sex-related issues 'cause that grosses me out) and who gives me the feeling that I'm that kind of person to her too! She is not my best friend, she's my very cool, funny, pretty (she's only 20 years my senior), smart MOM! I love her!

ps She doesn't know about this blog, but I think the vibes are strong enough to reach her:-)


Eat work buy die
Saturday, March 17, 2007

Well, that about sums it up! Luckily, the dying part is not happening right now. But you know, it rhymes. I've had a full week with lots of schoolwork (present and future), working, shopping and socializing. Today B and I went to shop in our nations capital, I had saved some money from working and I was dead set on buying a kick ass bag. I didn't succeed. Why is it that when I hardly have money for essential stuff like schoolbooks I see tons of stuff I wanna buy and when I finally have money there's jackshit?! Every bag was not what I wanted or the ones I did want didn't fit my budget. It's soO not funny. But we treated ourselves to a nice sushi lunch; comfort food is my middle name, I guess. And I just came home from a very nice Spanish tapas dinner because a good friend of B turned 30 today. It was cool but I'm tired as hell right now and smelling like garlic.

Yesterday I had the best night ever. I went to visit one of my best male friends Otto. We've lived together for 5 years or something, he, his big brother and me used to share a house. It was always great fun and I think of him as family. Of course, we don't see eachother as much as when we lived together but we are in eachother's hearts. So we played poker (I lost) with a bunch of other friends, smoked lots o' reefers and drank beers. B even came around later that evening and at one point I even had stomach cramps from laughing! A hilarious evening! I love the way guys hang out together, don't get me wrong all of my girlfriends are uber-special to me but I don't know... there's just a world of differences. I'm so glad I have both boy- and girlfriends; I wouldn't want to miss out on any of them!

Tomorrow it's time for round nr. two 'cause I'm gonna meet my mom and go shopping with her. I hope I'm lucky this time! My God, how superficial can you be?? Oh well... ;-)

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Ch-ch-check it out!
Sunday, March 11, 2007

About a year ago, while surfin' the web, I stumbled into this supertalented artist. His name's Sam Hiti and he's just a comicsdrawer extraordinaire! He draws all kinds of weird, crazy, scary monsters but he also draws girls like these with whom I always tend to identify with. Whenever I see them it's as if I'm living a crazy comicbook life somewhere in a parallel universe. It's a great feeling let me tell you! So if you wanna see something fresh here are the links to his blog and website.



Okay, I FINALLY got to see the movie some crazy chick kept bugging me to see. At first I was a bit in retracting-mode. It was a bit more self-help than I'm used to but when I thought about it, I could do with some help (who doesn't?) and I relaxed a bit more. The Secret was basically about keeping positive and keeping your eye on the prize instead of on the negative shit (correct me if I'm wrong;-). That's pretty hard, 'cause sometimes I/we get blurry-eyed. I saw it with my boyfriend and the running gag right now, when either of us gets a bit un-zen-like, the other one goes "Hey, don't forget about the Secret!" or "Use the Secret, man!". The thing I didn't like about the movie is that I got a bit of a Tell-sell vibe. I don't know if you have it out there but in my country you have Tell-sell-tv at night when all the other shows are over. It's where people sell all kinds of useless, idiotic junk on tv and one way or the other there's always a scam. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a scam at all but it was as if the people in the movie were trying too hard to "sell" it. Oh well, that's probably just the negative and cynical-me talking. The open to new ideas and positive -me thinks it's a movie that sends strong positive vibrations and it's sticking with me longer than I'd expected.

Nurse Cat

This weekend was fully booked, B and I were supposed to be going shopping in our nation's capital and I was supposed to be going to hang out in the city with some girlfriends today. Well, B got a high fever saturday and couldn't really do anything so I decided to ride my bike to his place (it's a damn 45 min. ride) to care for him. So the rest of the weekend was a bit boring, although I reeeally liked seeing my boyfriend again, since we haven't seen eachother since monday. I hate it when we see so less of eachother, it ALMOST makes me wanna move in together. But not yet. This morning I found out that his laundry room was filled with mountains of clean laundry that had to be folded and/or ironed. It totally fucked up my mood (destination: PMS city) to think that I had to be ironing all that shit for him. I also had to do tons of homework (which I'd totally forgot about, hate it when that happens), my own house is a mess and I figured I had done enough already so I opted out. I got on my bike and left. Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst girlfriend ever but I have my own house to clean, I have to study and I have to work three days a week. And I'm not anybody's mom (yet). Then why do I still feel a little bit of guilt? Can I blame religion?? ;-)


I love unexpected bliss!
Saturday, March 10, 2007

Yesterday evening I went out to dinner with one of my girlfriends Sandy. She's the ex of B's best friend. When they broke up I was a bit sad, not just for their loss of love but also for egocentric reasons. The four of us used to go out clubbing, have dinner or just chill out at their place and it was always great fun! I was so happy with that, it's so nice to be good friends with another couple. I think it's really special when four people of two couples all like eachother and can get along with eachother so well. And also Sandy's 10 years older than me and just has perfect hostess skills. A bit like Bree van de Kamp minus the neurosis. I always feel so at home at her place, I get a bit of an older sister-vibe from it. But I wouldn't know, 'cause I don't have a sister only a brother with whom I can't really get along.

B's best friend Conrad dumped Sandy a year ago and she's hitted the dating scene ever since. She always tells me all the horror stories about the crazy, commitment-phobic, substance abusing, sexist men she dates. If you'd believe her, it's not so great to be single and 36 and the cliche about all the good ones being taken is so true!

Anyways, we went out to dinner where we talked so much it was as if our lives depended on it. After that we went for a drink and we decided to go clubbing, there was this really good DJ in town and it was free admission for ladies. At first it wasn't very cool, there were 40 girls (of course) in quite a big venue and we all just stood on the side of the dancefloor. I had a high school deja-vu! (but unlike Beyonce, we were not having spasms on the dancefloor, thank God) I really wanted to go home but all of a sudden we were having an unexpected great time rocking the dancefloor! And a great guy she'd met at another club was there too. He's 26 (Conrad is also 6 years her junior) and at one point they had a snog on the dancefloor; it really was highschool all over again! I was having breakfast this morning when she texted me; I guess love and spring are in the air!

My fiancee just left haha! What a cutie, can I keep him? It's only a ten year difference;-) It sure was unexpectedly fun yesterday, we should do that more often! Xxx


A student's roar
Thursday, March 8, 2007

What the hell?? I hate it when classmates ask me to keep in touch about an exam via email, while they don't want to exchange thoughts about a certain question but only want to receive thoughts and then have the nerve to ask me if I have any suggestions for answering the next question! I think it's best to just ignore her emails altogether. This exam sucks by the way, and there's a possibility I'm just lashing out at this girl 'cause I'm frustrated.

>>>Bouncing back into nerd-study-mode.


Stinkin' lilies
Wednesday, March 7, 2007

When I got home from school today there was a huge bouquet of lilies (my favourite!) standing in my living room. What a suprise! B got them for me, we never do Valentine's day (it ain't as big here as in the States) so it's supernice to get flowers for no particular reason (just like Forrest Gump). When I looked closer I noticed they were standing in a bucket... the one I use for cleaning the toilet. Gross! Can't believe he's too lazy to look for a decent fuckin' vase! I'm not gonna give him a very hard time about it though; you know men are like puppies, ignore the bad& reward the good. Not that I ever disciplined a puppy but I had a three bunnies, two hamsters and a bunch of parakeets growing up and always wanted a puppy so mix that with a overly active imagination and you're good to go. I'm just gonna mention the toilet bucket matter-of-factly.

I don't know if it's in my head because lilies always tend to spread a very strong odor, but it kind a smells downstairs, man!

Only a few months to go!

I've just looked at my exam on the intranet of my uni; it's a take home exam. The due date's friday. I have to work the rest of the week so I'd better cover a lot of test-ground this afternoon and evening so I can finish it tomorrow night. If I think about it, these 4 months will be over in no time so I'll be graduating in two shakes of a lamb's tail. But it seems so far away! The weather's pretty sucky out here, lots of rain and wind so to cheer myself up I ordered a nice summer skirt on the internet. It's simple but very me; guess I'm just a simple mind! Hope that mind of mine'll help me pass this damn test.

I got a text message while I was sleeping this morning, at like 5 am:

"I don't understand them. Your kind is dumb and bi-sexual and
non-understandable. Help, I don't get you guys. xxxChuckie."
Chuck's a male friend of mine, he's 38 or something and he's a bit wacky. But I've known him for so long (he was my boss at a restaurant I worked at when I was in high school) and we just stayed friends ever since. He lost a front tooth a few months ago and hasn't even been to the dentist so there's a huge gaping hole up there. It's just too gross. I texted him back, but now I'm a bit worried I was a bit too harsh. Oh well, he should know me by now;-)

"Leave the crazy chicks alone, go see the DENTIST, act normal and stop sending me ridiculous messages at 5 o'clock in the morning! Then you'll be just fine."

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You wanna read something positive??
Monday, March 5, 2007

A wonderful story about two orangutans and a baby tiger making friends. Too damn cute!


Girlfriends and in-laws - LONG POST ALERT
Sunday, March 4, 2007

This weekend was just full of goods, bads, uglies and a lot of alcohol consumption without getting drunk. Too fuckin' weird. Thursday I had sushi with Kim and it was very cozy, we talked about our boyfriends a lot since we both are so clueless when it comes to relationships. After that a bit of clubbing. We drank a lot of sake and wine and contrary to Kim I didn't get drunk or tipsy at all. Maybe it was because I had so much sushi, and the fish soaked up the alcohol. Friday was the birthday of Emily, which was very nice and I had lots of cocktails but, once more, the alcohol didn't have any effect on me.

Saturday was just the worst day ever. My mother in-law had a birthdayparty. I have a bit of a thing with my in-laws. They are really good parents to my boyfriend and they are really cool to me. His sister, husband and kids are also very nice but I found/find it very difficult to make myself really comfortable with them. I like my mother in-law the best of all but in general, the family's a bit redneck-like with a racist undertone. Not directly towards me but to Morrocans and some other races. They really do their best to make me feel at home but I'm just too sensitive I guess. As far as I'm concerned people shouldn't be so damn afraid of eachother and open their minds just a wee bit. I always feel offended when I notice their animosity towards certain minority groups. I had a bit of a breakdown last year when my reluctance to go to a family get together was once again the cause of a quarrel between B and me. When we got there I went all teary-eyed and I couldn't resist the urge to tell them how I felt around them. When all else fails I fall back on the truth. It felt quite liberating but it didn't really help much. They went all "Oooh, but we don't mean you when we talk about other foreigners" but when people say stuff like that I find them even more irritating. They're not educated, and that does not mean you're not clever or nice or a good person but they certainly fit the bill, if you know what I mean.

It's definitely also a mixed race relationship issue but not as much as people would think. I've never had a boyfriend of my own kind, they just look like my brother/uncles/father too much. I just don't think I could get it up with them. And I've always felt right at home with the other white in-laws, they were all smart, nice people who I felt were genuinely glad to have me there. I've never had this shit before. I only have issues with the ignorant, racist, dumb people.

But what do you do when you really love the boy? You go to the birthday party, listen to all the screaming people (they don't talk to eachother, they scream especially when there's alcohol involved), hear the sexist jokes and racist remarks. I hit the bottle from the start just to get to the right level but the booze AGAIN didn't hit the spot. Instead of feeling giggly and fun I went in total introvert mode and just braced myself for all 4 hours we were there. I needed cloudiness in my head but instead I only got clarity. My God I hate alcohol! It never does what it's supposed to do! I forced myself to stay after midnight just because I really do have love for mother in-law. I also tried to smile the whole evening through but when they all started singing drunk redneck songs it was just too much for me.

We talked about it when we got home and B was a bit embarrassed because he's not like them (anymore) but he also hasn't forget that's where he comes from. These are his roots. This morning I had a panic attack: what if I have children with this man? My kids will have the blood of these people in their veins. Do I want that? If I had kids and they were at this party with us, my first instinct would be to get them the hell outta there and protect them from the craziness. In the end we understand eachother's perspectives and it's especially difficult for him because he's in the middle of all this. But I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

This afternoon we went to see Rowan, Gwynnie's (B's best friend) one week old baby boy! I love him!!! He was born premature so we had to watch him through glass but it was enough to see that he's SO COOL! We got the cutest little baby outfits for him and a stuffed koala, it was very cool to shop for Rowan this morning. All those tiny pants and jackets and hats hanging on those little hangers. And I realized the only man I can see myself having babies with is B.

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Happiness spiked with pain
Thursday, March 1, 2007

For those of you who don't know, my dad lived here for about a month with his wife. After a month I went insane and asked my brother if they could live with him again. You can read about it here if you wanna. They went and I haven't really seen my dad since. We talk on the phone and I ask him if he wants to come over but he says he's really busy. So I leave it at that. It's a bit awkward let me tell you.
They were sleeping in my study back then and I'd put the desk and computer and other junk in my bedroom. Since they were gone I couldn't put the stuff back in my study aka father's bedroom. I was afraid that if he'd come over and see that I'd taken back "his room" so quickly he'd feel not welcome. I remember that when I moved out of his house I was in a really bad state. And when I saw that he took over my room quite rapidly (I don't know maybe it wasn't all that fast), changed it and gave all my stuffed animals away (not that I still played with them of course) I felt pretty bad. I don't want hurt my dad like that.

But well, he hasn't come over for almost 2 months now so yesterday I decided to move my stuff in my/his room again. Right now I'm sitting here, sipping on some tea and building up courage to write the essay that's due tomorrow. I have much better light and view in this room and it's just so much nicer to work on school here so I'm quite content. But I'm missing my dad.


This is me. 32-year old, mother of 1 and living in Europe. Going through life with one hell of a man, lots of love for my family and a pretty tight circle of mismatched friends. Very self-confident even though I don't know what the fuck I'm doing! (more)